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Today in Netflix

Yesterday, Netflix CEO Reed Hastings announced that Netflix would be moving in still another new direction, in a reversal of decision made only a few weeks prior. Qwikster, Hastings’ stillborn attempt to save his precipitously declining customer base by forcing them to cancel two subscriptions instead of one, will be resorbed by the original Netflix company it was preparing to leave.

Hastings will continue to whiplash former customers who ragequit their relationship with Netflix after the 60% price increase by emailing them, yet again, notifying them of this most recent change and begging for them to reenroll.

In the email and attached video, the beleaguered CEO—whose stock options have lost half of their value—admitted to doing “copious amounts of coke,” and apologized for “…basically trashing my company, and my mucous membranes, with my poor life choices.”

Former Dunder Mifflin executive Ryan Howard commented that “[the situation] is just a bend in the road to greatness,” adding that “I’ve been there too and we’re both riding the elevator back to the top.”

A Netflix subscriber who recently terminated his relationship with the company during the mass exodus summed up what is likely to be an opinion shared by many: “All I want is a hassle-free way to watch movies and shows on my TV, at an affordable price. I guess I’ll just have to go back to the infinite library of free stuff online.”

/sarcasm